Dreams

I registered for school this week. 19.5 years later than I expected, I am enrolled at Utah State.

20 years ago I had vaugue dreams of attending Utah State. I had fantastical notions of moving away and becoming a successful independant woman. Well, I did become a succesfull independant woman, but I never made it to college. Until now.

Dad, I spoke with you endlessly about my dreams of finishing school. The end goal changed as I grew into myself, but I always fantacized about getting a college degree. I made a few meager attempts, but motherhood and finances always slowed me down. And fear. Fear has held me back more than anything else. Fear of failure. Fear of missing out on things my kids need me for. Fear of debt.

Then, this summer, you died. In one heartbeat of a moment your physical precence was ripped from my life. The grief is crippling. There are times when I can't stop the tears and the fear and the loneliness.

You always told me to look back at life and marvel at the perfect tapestry. How every success, failure, hardship, and celebration had woven the pefect life. How each moment had taken me to the place I am now and where I am now is exactly where I need to be. Sometimes, in the moment, it's so hard to understand. I don't understand why you had to leave. But I will use what you have taught me to continue weaving my life into something beautiful and something to be proud of.

So, I am no longer letting fear keep me from getting a college degree. The crippling loss I feel without you hear has lit a fire inside me. I will not take life for granted. I will work tirelessly toward my dreams. I will continue to make you proud.