First week

First week of school is done, and seems to have started successfully. However, my homework hasn't been graded so just how successful is TBD.

I miss you terribly. I wish you were here to discuss the crazy article I read for Cultural Anthropology about this weird tribe call the Nacirema. I submitted a paper about how some of their cultural behaviors are borderline barbaric, if not satanic. Then in class the next day we learned that Nacirema is American backwards. Wow what a difference perspective makes. You would have loved it. You always talked about looking at things with a broad perspective and this article certainly drove that point home.

I leave each class thinking I could let that area of study be my career. Maybe I should be a professional student. Learning and broadening my mind is so refreshing after so many years away.

Thank you for providing this opportunity for me. I would rather have you here with me, but once again, you have taken care of me, even after you have gone.

Dreams

I registered for school this week. 19.5 years later than I expected, I am enrolled at Utah State.

20 years ago I had vaugue dreams of attending Utah State. I had fantastical notions of moving away and becoming a successful independant woman. Well, I did become a succesfull independant woman, but I never made it to college. Until now.

Dad, I spoke with you endlessly about my dreams of finishing school. The end goal changed as I grew into myself, but I always fantacized about getting a college degree. I made a few meager attempts, but motherhood and finances always slowed me down. And fear. Fear has held me back more than anything else. Fear of failure. Fear of missing out on things my kids need me for. Fear of debt.

Then, this summer, you died. In one heartbeat of a moment your physical precence was ripped from my life. The grief is crippling. There are times when I can't stop the tears and the fear and the loneliness.

You always told me to look back at life and marvel at the perfect tapestry. How every success, failure, hardship, and celebration had woven the pefect life. How each moment had taken me to the place I am now and where I am now is exactly where I need to be. Sometimes, in the moment, it's so hard to understand. I don't understand why you had to leave. But I will use what you have taught me to continue weaving my life into something beautiful and something to be proud of.

So, I am no longer letting fear keep me from getting a college degree. The crippling loss I feel without you hear has lit a fire inside me. I will not take life for granted. I will work tirelessly toward my dreams. I will continue to make you proud.